Hey dolls!

Once again I want to say a huge thank you to everyone for letting me document this stage of my life and also for allowing me to express my frustrations, doubts, daily battles and even rejection.

I victimize myself, I think that I’m the only one that’s been through something or that for whatever reason everybody’s problems are not as big and complicated as mine. I’m constantly mourning over what could have been and what I have lost, failing to hear that God is calling me in from the deep. He is reaching out for me but I’m too focused on what could have been and what I have lost and how complicated my problems are.

I ache for peace…

I pray for joy everyday and I feel more alone than when I first started this journey because everyday it’s all about me, me, and me. What does Jael want? what does Jael need? Everything is about Jael and everyday I’m missing the message my father is trying to tell me. I’ve started view Jesus in this new light and maybe I’m wrong for thinking this way but this is the only way I can relate, the only way I can understand this mysterious man. I see him as this helpless child that did nothing wrong but was sent onto this earth to bear the pains of people who were worthy of death. He was sent to pick up the cross of somebody as filthy as me and carry it to his death. Not only did he die, but he died a death of shame….

The only relationship that mattered to him was that of his father and even his father had forsaken him because his will needed to be done. Our father had forsaken him so he could no longer forsake me and everyone else. I read a quote on Instagram that says “God never leaves us, we leave him.” It convicted me deeply. I guess really what my message here is that really I’m not alone. I realize that I’m going through some things because in the end I will have a story. My story may not be as glamorous as I want it but I sure as hell hope that it becomes what God wants it to be. I just need to practice patience, humility and allowing God to have his way.
That’s all for now, until next time stay fabu-lous!