Sometimes you’re so afraid to put yourself out there
but your insecurities does that for you just fine. What I realized is that people with insecurities tend to pick on others to make them weak like them. I’m supposed to be a new person, a different Jael but I don’t feel any different. Sometimes it’s so hard to understand my jungle of thoughts, a whirlpool of blameless scenarios… I don’t feel any different. I let the elephant out of the room, the very thing that was suffocating me, but I don’t feel any different. I have opened wounds from my dark ages when my demons would dance in the dark and haunt my dreams… I mean nightmares. When my nights would turn to day and my days to night, when my shadow was stalked by the ones I once loved.
I’m suppose to believe that this is a different time, I’m in a different stage of my life and these things are only fabric of my imagination better yet a mind trick from my past to enslave me. I get it, trust me I do. But I want the glamorous feeling of relief, the feeling of peace I hear everybody speak about. I want to experience that joy of overcoming I always hear the people at church testify about. I want all of those things and yet I don’t have it. I did my part and spoke up but that was it… nothing happened. I waited to feel a rush of relief but I didn’t. What I did feel was pain, fear and an emotion that resembled anger.
I keep telling myself that Rome was not built in a day. I have to understand that all of these things won’t go away in a day. It’s something I have to work on consistently. Change the way I think, learn to love people, learn to trust, accept life for what it is, learn to let go of the hurt, learn to love myself, learn to forgive myself and find peace doing what I love. I don’t want to leave this year being the same person, I want a better version of myself; Jael 2.0 you might say. I’m willing to put in the work to make these things possible and I’m writing this post to make sure you guys hold me accountable if I come complaining about life and don’t do these things. I plan on making this year the best year of my life and I have to start by taking baby steps to eliminate those things that onced caused me fear, heartbreak and immense pain. The trick is to have faith I hear… I might just try that.
Chao for now love bugs.?
