Hey dolls!
Therapy Tuesday has been gone for a while but I feel now is the time to bring it back.
While writing this post I tried to be very transparent and relatable. I believe it is needed in theses times. I can’t stress how much sharing is caring. I am here today to share something that is very near and dear to my heart. I don’t seek pity, attention or any somber emotion, I just want to raise awareness on something that is very important, especially now.
What does depression looks like? Depression does not have a face nor is it attached to any emotion. Depression does not look happy, sad, anxious or mad. Depression looks like somebody like me. I have battled with depression for many years (most of you already know this from years back). It’s hard to tell because most times people think I’m just being myself. It took me a while to find “Jael” outside of this condition, I had to face the cold hard truth that maybe “that’s not the way I am”. I had to be honest with myself and stop listening to the people that told me I was exempted from the depressed circle. Truth is depression does not have a face nor a circle. The victims are not chosen… Once I started asking questions I realized that having suicidal thoughts were not normal, hating yourself for absolutely nothing was not normal, not wanting to wake up and experience your life was not normal, yet everyday these were my norms and even so now.
Most days I wake up and I’m fine. I’m motivated, I want to talk to my friends, socialize and live my life to the fullest. On days like these I like to leverage my life and social experience, that’s when I meet most of the people that are important in my life, career and businesses. Most people will say that’s the Jael they know. On other days I wake up in tears and pure agony (physically and mentally). Sometimes it’s from over thinking the night before or just not sleeping at all. I wake up and routinely go through my day. It’s hard for most people to tell that I’m at war with myself because I constantly over perform on those days. I’m usually at a ten and I seem quiet for some moments but before anyone can notice I start performing again. Everything that is said or done to me is internalized because I have to dissect them at night. I go through my routine sometimes not saying anything and when I’m in a social environment I listen more than I speak. I have heard people saying that I’m very moody or that I’m very selfish and unpredictable. I sometimes wish I could change those things about myself but the situation is beyond my control.
My “good days” have lasted for months before but then I would always fall back into my slump. As crazy as it is I feel comfortable in my slump because I have existed there for most of my teenage to adult life. These days my bad days are defeating the good ones because things are uncertain. Uncertainty makes me overthink and overthinking causes me to go down the rabbit hole. I find myself constantly over performing in order to ignore that I’m going down again. This time I have mastered the art of saying “I’m Okay” and looking like I’m okay. I find myself working long hours, neglecting sleep and doing everything possible to not be left alone with my thoughts. I have taken on more projects than I can bare and I’m constantly obsessing over my business and creative endeavors. I have become the queen of avoiding myself but you wouldn’t know this if I didn’t share. That my dear is how depression looks for some people.
It’s more common than you think. In some cases it’s medical and for which anti depressants are prescribed. In other cases it is “normal” or emotionally related to which therapy is prescribed. It happens to some people who have gone through traumatic experiences and some who haven’t. There’s no saying what causes depression or what cures there are for it. After suffering for many years I find God to be my solitude. I have also taken on therapy. For years I was skeptical about therapy because of all the horror stories I heard and the simple fact that Africans do not support such. I would say now that deciding to go to therapy was the best decision I’ve made so far. I am faced with dealing with this battle alone when I take God out of the equation. Truthfully I have questioned God many times and asked him to make me “normal” but at times I’m left with the question of “What is normal?” I know the cases are harder for some people and some have even lost the battle. Rest in peace to everyone that has lost their life to suicide. I strongly believe things will get better. I say put your trust in the lord. To everyone that is battling some sort of mental illness, depression or maybe you’re just down in this time… Things are going to get better. The road may seem long but your story is still being written. My God has the reputation of writing beautiful stories, take a look at mine for example. I’m sure he’s writing something beautiful for you.
To everyone caring for someone that is going through depression or any form of mental illness, I want to say a big thank you. It’s not easy but be patient, be kind, be diligent, be comforting, be caring and most of all be human. Always remind them of their worth and how much their presence means to you. Always remind them of their accomplishments whether big or small and always remind them that you love them unconditionally. Despite all that is happening things will get better. They always do.
Sending love, peace and light to everyone that is down. Things will get better.
With love,